Life Begins to Suck at 40

2010-05-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

My new book App "Life Begins to Suck at 40" is now out to buy for the ipad, ipod and iPhone for 59p or $0.99. Click here to get it.

2006-12-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

58.At Christmas you shudder carving the turkey because it reminds you of the reflection you see when you step out the shower.

2006-12-24T02:42:00.000-08:00

57.The clothes that were bought for you at Christmas no longer fit you at New Years because you have inexplicably grown during the festive season. How could that be!!?

2006-12-17T01:26:00.000-08:00

I've made a little film, or e-book of the material so far... Whatcha reckon?

2006-12-14T01:30:00.000-08:00

56. You find bits of facial wash stuck in a crease in your face.

2006-12-13T00:09:00.000-08:00

55. As you grow older your sarcastic wit is replaced with an unhealthy cynicism…unless you’re a teacher.

2006-12-11T03:04:00.000-08:00

54.You look at some old photos of yourself, and cannot believe you are one in the same person. The things you did and thought then were so different to where you do and think now. It’s as though he was abducted at some point, replaced by you, a slower fatter version, who likes gardening and herbal tea.

2006-12-10T03:59:00.000-08:00

53.You get some leathers to wear on your newly bought motor bike, catch a glance at yourself in a mirror only to find that you look like a kinky leather clad Teletubby.

2006-12-09T01:35:00.000-08:00

52.You start developing bad little habits. Picking hard bogies from your nose and dropping them in the waste bin next to you is a good one. Just don’t do it whilst eating Bombay Mix.

2006-12-08T02:50:00.000-08:00

51.Saying the type of things that your dad would say and knowing that you are doing it, but you just can’t stop yourself.

2006-12-06T23:58:00.000-08:00

50.You watch King Kong and think “If he can pull, so can I!

2006-12-05T00:12:00.000-08:00

49. You get to the stage where getting drunk for no reason, seems pointless.

2006-12-04T02:53:00.000-08:00

48.You find yourself in the women’s hair dye section of a chemist, without even thinking about it.

2006-12-03T05:09:00.000-08:00

47.That rough and rugged unshaved look, now just looks ragged and rough. Pass the Brasso.

2006-12-01T23:12:00.000-08:00

46. It’s bad enough policemen being younger than you, but now even the Lollypop lady is looking quite fit.

2006-11-30T00:42:00.000-08:00

45.You find yourself saying ”I was young once you know.” and not believing it yourself.

2006-11-28T02:24:00.000-08:00

44.You drive out to the seaside and feel the desire to stay put in the car and just watch the sea from the car park. This urge will get stronger and stronger the older you get, until the age of 60 when you will finally succumb and pack sandwiches for the trip.

2006-11-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

43.Actually look through the Screwfix catalogue. Your interest in all tools becomes almost sexual … like the 40 year olds equivalent to porn.

2006-11-26T01:21:00.000-08:00

42.Not thinking about sex for over 10 minutes

2006-11-25T01:14:00.000-08:00

41.When your old un-fashionable wardrobe becomes fashionable again.

2006-11-24T01:09:00.000-08:00

40. You find talking about plumbing to your friends interesting.

2006-11-23T01:21:00.000-08:00

39. A mole moves from the front of your belly to the side as your stomach pushes it round to your back.

2006-11-22T02:05:00.000-08:00

38.You notice you have created a stencil of Bombay mix in the shape of your ass on the sofa when you get up to go to bed at night.

2006-11-21T01:01:00.000-08:00

37.You get a shed and potter round the garden or worse still, dream about getting a shed and pottering around the garden.

2006-11-20T00:55:00.000-08:00

36.You want technology to stop, or at least have a breaks and a cup of tea, so you can get your breath and catch up.

2006-11-19T02:03:00.000-08:00

35.You feel obliged to have a mid life crisis.

2006-11-18T08:44:00.000-08:00

34.You actually think you can hear your bathroom scales sniggering as you leave the room.

2006-11-17T01:05:00.000-08:00

33.When your idea of “roughing it” is going to Center Parcs.

2006-11-16T00:55:00.000-08:00

32. Fifty year olds start having more in common with you than thirty year olds.

2006-11-14T23:35:00.000-08:00

31. Bruce Forsythe starts looking younger to you...

2006-11-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

30.Get depressed that Snooker is now a young mans game.

2006-11-12T23:25:00.000-08:00

29.When you sneeze it looks like a small hairy rodent trying to escape from your nose.

2006-11-12T02:30:00.000-08:00

28.You got off the “popular culture” bus to get yourself some boiled sweets and it pulls off leaving you behind

2006-11-11T01:12:00.000-08:00

27.You make an AAAAH noise when you sit on the grass.

2006-11-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

26.It’s a given you won’t be able to perform the same aerobic displays as teenagers but plain depressing that you haven’t even a hope to match the speed they text at

2006-11-09T01:04:00.000-08:00

25.The aroma of Deep Heat becomes part of your signature smell.

2006-11-08T00:51:00.000-08:00

24.“Comfort” becomes a keyword in selecting shoes.

2006-11-07T00:42:00.000-08:00

23.You can’t remember the last time you had a good memory.

2006-11-06T01:09:00.000-08:00

22. When Viagra becomes one of the much bandied around words on your Birthday cards.

2006-11-05T02:06:00.000-08:00

21. The Birthday cake candles make you bust out into a sweat.

2006-11-04T01:09:00.000-08:00

20. Your willy goes on holiday behind the island of Gut.

2006-11-03T01:06:00.000-08:00

19.You get a corkscrew on your car keys.

2006-11-02T00:30:00.000-08:00

18. You put teenagers off their music if you pretend to like it.

2006-11-01T00:49:00.000-08:00

17. The eyesight begins to fail, which begins to help out at the playground.*

*1.You begin to notice when you drop your children off at school, that less and less of the mums are as hot they used to be, as they age along with you.

2006-10-31T00:58:00.000-08:00

16. You consider the new Star Wars movies as rubbish but still feel the need to buy the Boxset.

2006-10-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

15. All your tee shirts start to develop stretch marks.

2006-10-25T04:33:00.000-07:00

14. Your belly button goes from an ‘innie’ to an ‘outtie’.

2006-10-24T01:04:00.000-07:00

13. When the doctor actually starts to take your complaints of aches and pains seriously.

2006-10-23T03:45:00.000-07:00

12. You have to exercise rigorously just to retain the pear shape you already have. Plus, now you have chub friction rashes where your sweaty skin rubs during these intense workouts...nice.

2006-10-21T02:19:00.000-07:00

11. You grow a goatee to approximate a jaw-line.

2006-10-20T00:54:00.000-07:00

10. You just want a nice quiet pint.

2006-10-19T01:17:00.000-07:00

9. You have the money to drive the flash convertible, only to be too embarrassed to be seen driving round with the roof down.

2006-10-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

8. Driving at 40 miles an hour feels more like driving at 60.

2006-10-17T00:43:00.000-07:00

7. Your sex drive decides to pull over and park for long periods.

2006-10-16T01:01:00.000-07:00

6. As you mature new mass begins to grow, first it's hidden but as the years pass and it grows bigger and bigger it surfaces beyond the bath water. Welcome to Gut Island!

2006-10-15T02:17:00.000-07:00

5. You run and your gut seems to runs 3 steps behind you complaining all the way.

2006-10-14T02:02:00.000-07:00

4. You develop an unhealthy mistrust of machinery. Speed cameras, the newest mobile phones and weighing scales being the main culprits

2006-10-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

3. When you are 20 you feel like you know everything, but now I'm old enough to know I'm not wise enough.

2006-10-12T00:57:00.000-07:00

2. Older friends assure you that 40 is a good age….What!!!…It gets worse?!!

2006-10-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

1. You begin to notice when you drop your children off at school, that less and less of the mums are as hot they used to be, as they age along with you.

2006-10-09T11:51:00.000-07:00

As you've probably guessed, I have recently turned 40. It's a milestone. People will tell you."Life Begins at 40". Unfortunately, I do not share this view, you see, I'd prefer to be 30. It all started for me when I was about 22. I was out socializing with friends when I started feeling my left leg going numb. Fearing the worst, I made my excuses any hobbled off home. Walking seemed to make it deteriorate even more, so when I finally made it to the couch I was in a right state.
It wasn't until I undid my 28 inch baggy trousers that it all became horribly clear to me as the wet sensation of blood ran into my buttocks, I realized my trousers were too tight. My blood had been cut off from my leg by the forces of my expanding trunk.The heady days of the 28 inch waist had passed me by. My waistline was putting its foot down and accelerating. From there on in, it was downhill all the way.

This blog will be a testiment to why"Life Begins to Suck at 40"